What is it like to TRULY feel Music.

I talk about the fact I dance and perform music but I don’t explain what it is that drives me.

I feel music. No in fact, I breathe it.

I feel it when I am anxious. As a reliever.

I feel it when I am happy in the nature around me.

And when I dance to it, it’s like I finally have a place where I belong.

When my body moves in time to the music and my feet stop aching because all  I can hear is the music and the joy in truly letting myself let go and fly. Everything kind of evaporates and for that perfect 5 minutes of the song I let myself truly be open. I break down my walls. Nothing else feels like that to me. It’s hard to explain unless you truly understand music and dance. It’s a type of freedom. It’s a type of therapy. The best kind of antidepressant and painkiller. When my stomach hurts and I am in so much pain I can’t breathe and I think I am going to be sick, I put music in and my body relaxes, it’s muscles stop convulsing and the pain goes. I can breathe and my head stops hurting. I’ve tried to hard to try and find and something else that can do it for me. But there is nothing and no one who can create that feeling apart music and dance.

I put them hand in hand, because  I must. Because although music is what guides me to dance, to hear music I must feel dance. It’s my anchor. The one thing that takes me out of my depression and panic attacks.

I won’t say it’s like that when I am in a class or a tense environment, you can’t truly let yourself go then. But I would say it’s like that when I go to the studio at night at 11 o’clock and put my Spotify on in shuffle mode and let myself dance to whatever comes on. It’s good practise but it’s also completely freeing. You would think that the 8 hours of training previously would of put me off, but even if my feet are bleeding, blistered and my calves and thighs are aching and my muscles feel like collapsing, there is always room for that freedom.

It flows and it, although cheesy, it sets me free and sometimes when I am so caught up I wish it could go on forever.

TTFN

Tosia Altman

XXX

Marriage VS Couple

Marriage.

  1. You forget they are in the house. Now this sounds ridiculous, but when you are usually in the house with the other person, when you are boyfriend/ girlfriend then you try to spend every waking moment with them. When you get married, you are constantly in the house with them and if they are very quiet downstairs and you don’t know where they are, or if they are in, you can get a massive fright.
  2. You get fed up with your husbands alarm clock. This sounds ridiculous, but if he keeps his alarm the same for years on end it can get VERY annoying. (Sorry babe, but it’s  true).
  3. You never buy pyjamas, you just wear his old shits, boxers etc. for night time wear. Once he doesn’t want his shirt, it’s great for a nightgown.
  4. Your food miraculously seems to disappear after every shopping trip. You once had chocolate raisins but now suddenly they have vanished and he will just shrug and smile.
  5. You will become so comfortable that even the really gross stuff won’t bother you. Spots on you back? Sorted. Hairy legs? He won’t care. Trims his nose hairs in the sink. Okay fine that’s really annoying, clean up afterwards!
  6. Going out to dinner is no longer always a date but can feel like going out with your best friend. You don’t feel the need to be romantic, you just have fun.
  7. Dates are no longer fancy events. Often dates will be silly things, like going to the supermarket at 2 in the morning because he was really wanting ice cream and you end up playing hide and seek in the isles.
  8. Ironing never happens unless it is a shirt. NEVER HAPPENS. Way to much effort on both your parts.
  9. The dishwasher is always used. Who cares if that spatula isn’t meant to go in the dishwasher.
  10. He becomes you best friend, you sibling and your husband all in one. (I don’t mean incest because that is disgusting.) By sibling I mean in terms of how relaxed you are with him, you trust him with everything. By husband I mean soulmate, because without mine, I wouldn’t be who I am now.

Thank you.

TTFN

Tosia Altman

XXX

 

When is Going Home from Work Sick Okay?

This came to mind today as myself was swithering between going home and lasting another 3:45 hours. I dance as a living but today I was seeing to the paperwork off it. Occasionally we have days where we go and sort through contracts etc and make phone calls and arrange dates/events. I was also arranging my schedule, to prevent overlaps which is always a little more tricky than you would assume. Yesterday I was doing similar work and my colleague and dance partner, who had been complaining of having a sore throat the past week, had lost his voice. Over the past few days I had been feeling similar and I noticed yesterday that I had also lost my voice. I also had a cough and was very chesty but thought I would be fine as he was in and I didn’t want to appear weak. So today I turned up to do my work, with the rest of my teachers/ colleagues/ bosses in with very swollen glands, a headache, a temperature and a lost voice. My partner was not in as he had opted to “Working from Home.” I made it through the morning and felt marginally okay and manage to eat my lunch.  However once it hit 1 I started to feel feverish again and uwell. While sitting on my lunch break I was looking online to see when people thought it would be okay to go home, I struggled to find anything and thought I would right my own opinion on this.

  1. If you are contagious and could cause the illness to spread. What I had was contagious and although yesterday was fine as my colleague also had it, in other situations I would encourage you to stay at home or ask to go home.
  2. If you are causing disruption to the office. If you are continually sneezing, sniffing and coughing to an extent where it’s every  5 minutes I would advise you to go home as it can be very hard to concentrate.
  3. If you are unable to concentrate on your work or see your page clearly. Once at this stage there is no point staying as your work will likely be ineffective in later days as it will most likely not make sense.
  4. If someone else in you office is weak. My colleague, one of our older directors was in office, and she is currently battling lung cancer and had been receiving chemotherapy weekly. Due to her weak state, with me having a chesty cough as my main problem thought it would be better if I went home as it could be fatal for her.
  5. Try to work out the severity of your illness. Is it easily cured with 2 paracetamols or is it just making you not able to function.
  6. Trust yourself, your body will tell you if it’s necessary. Unless you are hungover and then deal with it as it is your fault!
  7. If you find that you are continually taking time off, learn to work out if it is really as bad as you think.

Hope this helped!

TTFN

Tosia

XXX

Learning a Language

I will address two topics today. 1) What it’s like not speaking the country you are in’s language and 2) What it’s like to learn that language.

Landing in Britain, I knew 3 phrases. A) Hello, my name is Tosia Altman. B) I am Polish and C) I know none English. And that was it. That was all I knew. That was all I had to get me through school and life in a foreign country. I knew none of English’s foreign grammars and pronunciation. I definitely did not understand the humour and sarcasm they use. Even now, I do not understand there phrases and get reprimanded often for using the wrong word to describe someone.

The most used English word I picked up was “Sorry”. Sorry, for when I stammered like an idiot as I tried to understand the currency as I bought a pack of polo mints. Sorry for when I didn’t understand class. Sorry for when I knocked something over and tried to apologise more profusely but couldn’t because I didn’t know the English words.

The second most used English word I picked up was “Thank you.” Thank you to the teachers who tried to make me understand them by gesturing and attempting to speak English words with a polish accent, as though that would somehow make magical sense. Thank you to the people who would help me with the currency, instead of looking at me with disgust or anger. Thank you to the Polish people at school, who when they noticed I couldn’t speak English, helped me by translating and teaching me words.

Learning any language is hard. The phrases and correct pronunciation is hard. Spelling it is even harder. You may think that my spelling is pretty accurate, but this is because my British Partner goes over my posts and corrects my spelling, my ordering and the format I write in. I am no means fluent in English. There is still so many words I don’t understand. However you learn to adjust to the language. You pick up there odd sayings and humour. You learn what they mean, after a few rough starts of awkwardly using them in the wrong situation.

You pick up the accent quickest I think, because you hear it before you can understand the language. Though the words are garbled, you still hear the accent.

I am proud to be Polish. But I am also proud that now, not only can I call myself a British Citizen, I am also fit in.

TTFN

Tosia Altman

xxx

Ballet: The Hardships

I’m going to discuss ballet problems, stigmas in ballet and issues that can arise from doing ballet.

When you hear the word ballet, what do you think off?



Do you think of anorexia, stick thin girls?

Do you think of ballet feet and tutus?


I bet you never think of perhaps there is male dancers.

And perhaps the dancers are under  5 ft 5.


I am 5ft2 and I am a professional ballet dancer. I have a shattered coccyx bone and my Tarsal Navicular bone on my left foot is fractured. I have two toes that won’t go down due to a break from ill fitting shoes.

I don’t wear tutus but instead I wear loose dresses. I tend to wear my hair in a French plait instead of a ballet bun, unless in an event or performance.

However I do have an eating disorder. As does my friend, who too is a ballet dancer, however he is male. He is 6ft and is one of the strongest people I have ever met.


My feet are not ones of beauty, I have blister, bruising and swelling. My calves and thighs are formed oddly as the muscle we use most is very unusual. My feet automatically point out the way. My arm muscles are strong at the shoulders and forearm but weak at the wrists. I oddly have a very strong neck, which is partly to do with B-boying which I do on the side.


But still I manage to make a living doing something I love. I know how to appear as light as a feather or as heavy as an elephant. I can make my body bend and turn. I can hear music and rhythm where ever I am . I know I can dance. I feel it, in my bones. It is my passion as much as it is my hardship. I love it, it is my home and no matter what my pain is when I get home, I still go back for more. I am never truly happy until I hear the music.

When I can’t sleep or am scared I go to the studio, put on my favourite songs and dance. Then I become free and finally soar and fly and sometimes it feels like I will never land.

 

TTFN

Tosia Altman

xxx

Keeping a Relationship Hidden

No, this is not to do with cheating or anything related. This is to do with what my biggest struggle was when I was dating someone who my parents would not have approved of. It’s hard. So so hard. Because no one is there to understand how painful it is to be apart from them. You can’t bring them home or take them around your hometown. You can’t walk anywhere where people might see you and you can’t truly be with them. You feel guilty and as though you are creating a grave sin.

But that’s not the worst part. The worst part is if you break up. After any break up it will be heart breaking. You will get depressed but if it’s a secret break up there is no one else who knows about it. There is no one there to pick up the pieces or chat to. There is no one there to understand the depression. People will ask you why you are sad and say “There’s nothing you should be upset about.” It’s also the comments people say because, as far as they are aware you have never had a boyfriend.

But true loves comes again and any relationship that is hidden is not meant to be. I found my happy ending with a man who, every day, makes me feel like the happiest women alive. He gets me and yes we argue occasionally, usually over the stupidest things like putting the toilet seat down, but even after that argument he will love me and come say sorry. For so long, I was very broken due to a loss of a close friend. I did function or feel anything apart from anger for 4 years. After I finally accepted that Rachel was dead, I pulled myself up and created the pieces again but still was scared to let any one in. He persevered and showed me that he could be trusted, that he could have a portion of my soul, as Rachel as a large portion of it. But unlike my missing jigsaw piece, he gave me a piece of his, filling in the gaps of the broken puzzle. All that is left now is a little hole that will remain there forever. But if you take a step back and look at it, the picture looks complete. When I cry at night, he holds me. When I break or get depressed because of my bipolar or stress he supports me, carries me and makes sure I keep functioning. He’s not only my rock, he is also the steady ground beneath. Cas, as you read this over the next few days to make sure I have got the correct spelling, as you do for every blog post, I want you to know 1) Thank you for taking time of day your to go over this. 2) You mean the world to me, please know that I love you more than you can ever know because you loved me first.

Always and forever my love.

Tosia Altman.

xxxxxx

We are One

We are One.

What does it meant to be “One”.

Does it mean we are one through flesh and bone?

Does it mean we stand United?

Are we now attached  and together tied?

Does it mean we stand as a nation?

Does this bring it to your attention?

Our land can be broken but we still stand together.

Our home can be torn but we will fight in this forever.

Is it our choice?

Can you finally hear our plea and voice?

Do you finally understand what our battle is for?

We can’t blame a faith or religion.

We can’t blame a race or allow segregation.

We are One. Every Muslim, Polish and British life.

I don’t care if our country is in strife.

jesteśmy jedną rodziną.

We are one and we can deal with this calmly.

We can deal with this connected.

Because. We Are ONE.

 

To my people of London. Today, I saw the flowers, I saw the tears and I saw the fears.

And I saw the people united, connected and healing. We ignore the stares and comments.

We carry each others weights. We are one and we will share the fears and deaths as one.

I am with you and I am connected with you. We are ONE.

 

Ta Ta For Now

Tosia Altman

xxx

 

 

 

 

 

What Summer Is All About

Summer. My favourite season. Last year, if you where with me on that trip, I discovered myself through Summer. But what is Summer really about?

Is it the fact that oh shit, I need to shave my legs again!!!! Or is it the dread of having to wear shorts and small T-Shirts. Is it the tan and freckles that appear. Or is the fake tan that girls slather on.

I’m Polish and in Summer, admittedly, my skin goes a lot darker and freckled than the average Brit, despite being dirty blonde haired and fair skinned. Where I am from, when it’s Summer, we sit out on the streets in Cafes and small shops. We eat cakes and ice cream from Malinowa. We love to enjoy others companies. It also always seems to be when the men look for girlfriends as we seem to enjoy the a summer love. However there are some things that can only be done in Britain. In Warsaw it is too much smog to be able to see the sunset or stars. In Britain, I sleep beside my wall length window and open the curtains every night so I can watch the tars. I find it easier to pray then too. In Summer finding God is always a lot easier as you see the beauty in His land so much easier.

That is what I associate with Summers.

What about you? What do you think of when you hear the word Summer. DO you see it as a season of love and freedom or do you see it as a season of mystery and independence.

TTFN

Tosia Altman

xxx

 

Lets Define Cheating

What really defines cheating?

Is it the drunken mistake or kiss. Is it the secretary he is actually doing, not work. Is it the accidental name he shouts out when he is sleeping or worse sleeping with you. Is it the hidden texts and phone calls to some one called Sharon who you have never heard of. Is it the drunken fumbling’s at night.

Or is it the looks he gives to other girls, the eyes he makes. Is it the fact that he keeps things from you and doesn’t tell you about the fact he is still in contact with his ex. Is it the lack of love in your relationship.

To literally define the word To Cheat:

cheats (third person present) · cheated (past tense) · cheated (past participle) · cheating (present participle)
  1. act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage:
    • gain an advantage over or deprive of something by using unfair or deceitful methods; defraud:
  2. avoid (something undesirable) by luck or skill.
    So every time you are unfaithful, unfair or dishonest just to your advantage in your relationship, are you cheating on your partner?

How do I define Cheating? I define it by the lustful looks and the hidden messages. I define it by the lack of trust. I don’t care if he still talks to his ex and I don’t care if he drunkenly kisses someone, it’s as long as he tells me and is honest. I don’t mean after, I mean before, so we can work through the issue together. To be in a true and loving relationship, you need to be honest with each other.

TTFN

Tosia Altman

xxx