No, this is not to do with cheating or anything related. This is to do with what my biggest struggle was when I was dating someone who my parents would not have approved of. It’s hard. So so hard. Because no one is there to understand how painful it is to be apart from them. You can’t bring them home or take them around your hometown. You can’t walk anywhere where people might see you and you can’t truly be with them. You feel guilty and as though you are creating a grave sin.
But that’s not the worst part. The worst part is if you break up. After any break up it will be heart breaking. You will get depressed but if it’s a secret break up there is no one else who knows about it. There is no one there to pick up the pieces or chat to. There is no one there to understand the depression. People will ask you why you are sad and say “There’s nothing you should be upset about.” It’s also the comments people say because, as far as they are aware you have never had a boyfriend.
But true loves comes again and any relationship that is hidden is not meant to be. I found my happy ending with a man who, every day, makes me feel like the happiest women alive. He gets me and yes we argue occasionally, usually over the stupidest things like putting the toilet seat down, but even after that argument he will love me and come say sorry. For so long, I was very broken due to a loss of a close friend. I did function or feel anything apart from anger for 4 years. After I finally accepted that Rachel was dead, I pulled myself up and created the pieces again but still was scared to let any one in. He persevered and showed me that he could be trusted, that he could have a portion of my soul, as Rachel as a large portion of it. But unlike my missing jigsaw piece, he gave me a piece of his, filling in the gaps of the broken puzzle. All that is left now is a little hole that will remain there forever. But if you take a step back and look at it, the picture looks complete. When I cry at night, he holds me. When I break or get depressed because of my bipolar or stress he supports me, carries me and makes sure I keep functioning. He’s not only my rock, he is also the steady ground beneath. Cas, as you read this over the next few days to make sure I have got the correct spelling, as you do for every blog post, I want you to know 1) Thank you for taking time of day your to go over this. 2) You mean the world to me, please know that I love you more than you can ever know because you loved me first.
Always and forever my love.