I talk about the fact I dance and perform music but I don’t explain what it is that drives me.
I feel music. No in fact, I breathe it.
I feel it when I am anxious. As a reliever.
I feel it when I am happy in the nature around me.
And when I dance to it, it’s like I finally have a place where I belong.
When my body moves in time to the music and my feet stop aching because all I can hear is the music and the joy in truly letting myself let go and fly. Everything kind of evaporates and for that perfect 5 minutes of the song I let myself truly be open. I break down my walls. Nothing else feels like that to me. It’s hard to explain unless you truly understand music and dance. It’s a type of freedom. It’s a type of therapy. The best kind of antidepressant and painkiller. When my stomach hurts and I am in so much pain I can’t breathe and I think I am going to be sick, I put music in and my body relaxes, it’s muscles stop convulsing and the pain goes. I can breathe and my head stops hurting. I’ve tried to hard to try and find and something else that can do it for me. But there is nothing and no one who can create that feeling apart music and dance.
I put them hand in hand, because I must. Because although music is what guides me to dance, to hear music I must feel dance. It’s my anchor. The one thing that takes me out of my depression and panic attacks.
I won’t say it’s like that when I am in a class or a tense environment, you can’t truly let yourself go then. But I would say it’s like that when I go to the studio at night at 11 o’clock and put my Spotify on in shuffle mode and let myself dance to whatever comes on. It’s good practise but it’s also completely freeing. You would think that the 8 hours of training previously would of put me off, but even if my feet are bleeding, blistered and my calves and thighs are aching and my muscles feel like collapsing, there is always room for that freedom.
It flows and it, although cheesy, it sets me free and sometimes when I am so caught up I wish it could go on forever.