Bipolar: Everyday Struggles

  1. The stigma. When I applied for jobs, I obviously have to have it as an illness, when I was first looking for jobs they would ask me in an interview about excessively and this in it’s self, could be very triggering.
  2. Taking medication at the right time and getting it through security at an airport. With my job,  we do a lot of performing abroad or at the other side of the country and the company will pay for our flights, however with this spasmodic schedule, often I wont find time to take my meds and then It means my body goes out of sync and my illness gets heavily exaggerated. Flights, often my meds will be in hand luggage and I will be asked to either take them out or asked why there is such big doses. I then have to explain that I take 17 tablets a day, with a portion going towards my IBS and stress as well.
  3. Being triggered from a T.V show. I’m currently watching “It’s Okay. That’s Love” which is a K-Drama. However this is also about mental illness and personally I find this is becoming quite triggering and is making me obsess slightly over my illness.
  4. People’s paranoia. People often forget that Bipolar can also just have a bad day, instead of it being always depression. I find that if I am a little hormonal on my period everyone get’s very paranoid and tell me to maybe take “Anti-Depressants” or ask me if “There is anything they can do?”, calm down people! It is only a bad day and by the next day I will be fine!
  5. Not sure if you are maniac or just really happy. This sounds ridiculous but sometimes when I am having a really good day, I start to wonder if maybe I’m over happy and perhaps I am going into a hypomanic episode.
  6. Going out for the day when you are depressed. This can be a very hard battle for me, an example: Today. So as it is a Saturday, I had the day off and the past week I have been quite depressed and stressed and I was hoping to be able to spend the day with my husband just lounging. I am pretty medicated as well, which makes me very sleepy, to try to prevent my depression sinking deeper. However my family wanted to go out for lunch which is always hard, especially as it was immediate family and no anchor (i.e Husband) so I was struggling. Once we go to lunchtime everyone kept asking me “Why was I frowning? Smile, try to be happy!” It just made it worse.

 

TTFN

Tosia Altman

Things People Don’t Tell You About After A Miscarriage.

The worst part of having a miscarriage is afterwards. You have just spent days, weeks or even months, not only nursing and preparing for the baby, but also loving it, talking to it and caring for it. It’s a horrible feeling, one of the worst you can ever feel.

  1. You can still get Postnatal Depression. Grief can be so strong that you can fall into a depression.
  2. Denial can last a long time. I became so obsessed with remembering the baby that I became almost convinced, it was still alive. (I might add, that I do have Bipolar 2, although I do not suffer from any psychosis, my moods can be extremely bad.)
  3. The grief always stays slightly, seeing other babies born can feel like a stab in the heart.
  4. You see them in your head as they would of grown up. It sounds ridiculous, but often there memory sweetens and in times of trial, I can imagine my babies little laughs and footsteps.
  5. They will have a special place in your heart, even when you have other children, because they where as much as a part of you as the others are.

 

TTFN

Tosia

XXX

The Day when The Battle was nearly Over

WARNING: THIS CAN BE TRIGGERING. IF YOU ARE DEPRESSED,SUICIDAL OR THINK SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS, CALL THE SMARITANS- 116 123, this is for free

Let’s talk about regrets. No in fact, no regrets, lets talk about learning things.

I’m bipolar and was severely depressed for 5 years and throughout that time there would be times of me being suicidal.

Let me tell you about one of those times.

It was my first year after Rachel’s Death Day and it hit me like no pain has ever been like before. It was suffocating, agonising and the most unquenchable need to be with her, even for a second. It wasn’t the first time I had tried and sadly it wasn’t the last time but it was the time where I really let myself go and feel everything. 

So there I sat, with a blade in one hand and a sense of elation in the other. I was finally seeing her, and I did it. For once, I didn’t patch myself up, I was ready to just go. 

Until 5 seconds before I was about to black out.

I suddenly realised something, the battle is not over until the war is won. (The 100, T.V. Series.) My war would never be over until I was able to erase that guilt and by fading away into an other girl in the newspaper who had committed suicide wasn’t the way. I needed to help people like me so that I could be remembered as a healer, so Rachel could be remembered. I want to make her proud, I want her to be remembered and I want to achieve her dreams as well as mine. If anything I was live with her, not as someone beside me but someone who is a part of me. She knew me better than anyone and I her. I know her fears, her joys, her favourite food, place, number, chocolate spread. That’s why I live with her. She’s a part of me, she holds a part of my soul and replaces it with hers.

I don’t regret that day but I did learn from it. It’s never worth it. It might be one battle over but it’s not the war over. You haven’t won anything. You are fading into a nothingness by doing that. Leave a mark of good in this land, so when you are 100 and on your death bed, people can say “She truly lived.”

A quote by Zhang Yixing is what I am trying to say: I hope to tell the youths that are even younger than us to Work Hard, Work Hard and then, Work Even Harder. Today’s Hard Work will Determine where you’ll stand in the Future and where you stand will determine the type of scenery you see.

TTFN

Tosia Altman

XXX