WARNING: THIS CAN BE TRIGGERING. IF YOU ARE DEPRESSED,SUICIDAL OR THINK SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS, CALL THE SMARITANS- 116 123, this is for free
Let’s talk about regrets. No in fact, no regrets, lets talk about learning things.
I’m bipolar and was severely depressed for 5 years and throughout that time there would be times of me being suicidal.
Let me tell you about one of those times.
It was my first year after Rachel’s Death Day and it hit me like no pain has ever been like before. It was suffocating, agonising and the most unquenchable need to be with her, even for a second. It wasn’t the first time I had tried and sadly it wasn’t the last time but it was the time where I really let myself go and feel everything.
So there I sat, with a blade in one hand and a sense of elation in the other. I was finally seeing her, and I did it. For once, I didn’t patch myself up, I was ready to just go.
Until 5 seconds before I was about to black out.
I suddenly realised something, the battle is not over until the war is won. (The 100, T.V. Series.) My war would never be over until I was able to erase that guilt and by fading away into an other girl in the newspaper who had committed suicide wasn’t the way. I needed to help people like me so that I could be remembered as a healer, so Rachel could be remembered. I want to make her proud, I want her to be remembered and I want to achieve her dreams as well as mine. If anything I was live with her, not as someone beside me but someone who is a part of me. She knew me better than anyone and I her. I know her fears, her joys, her favourite food, place, number, chocolate spread. That’s why I live with her. She’s a part of me, she holds a part of my soul and replaces it with hers.
I don’t regret that day but I did learn from it. It’s never worth it. It might be one battle over but it’s not the war over. You haven’t won anything. You are fading into a nothingness by doing that. Leave a mark of good in this land, so when you are 100 and on your death bed, people can say “She truly lived.”
A quote by Zhang Yixing is what I am trying to say: I hope to tell the youths that are even younger than us to Work Hard, Work Hard and then, Work Even Harder. Today’s Hard Work will Determine where you’ll stand in the Future and where you stand will determine the type of scenery you see.