You have probably been thinking I have been gone for a while…….Yeah……as you guessed by the title I haven’t been doing to great. 2 Thursdays ago I noticed my period hadn’t come for about 2 months……I got suspicious and took a pregnancy test.
It came up positive and I was delighted but also at the same time suddenly terrified…….I am settled in my job, my relationship is, although very loving and fulfilling, not as strong as it used to be and I would want to raise a child in a stable, married and completely fulfilled household, and at this time I don’t think I could provide that. I am also a professional ballerina, so too have a child not only could put my career on-hold like other average jobs, it could also end my career as we only have a short window to continue to be professionals, already I have reached the average peak and am lucky and honoured enough to be able to continue to dance as a soloist and as a lead dancer despite there always being newer and younger and I hate to say it, better dancers.
So I had mixed feelings, I was at a standstill. I was suddenly pushed into a situation I hadn’t even thought off. Especially after my whole what people don’t tell you about a miscarriage post, I didn’t realise I would be writing about one that happened recently.
But also I was excited, overwhelmed with excitement. Trying to keep it in but I was smiling all day. Until last Tuesday, It hit, It was like cramps so I said and prayed it was Braxton Hicks or maybe my IBS and prayed and prayed. Wednesday came and went uneventfully and I started to hope. Until I woke up on Thursday morning at 5:13 in agonising pain and a soaked through pyjama bottoms and bed sheet. I don’t think I have ever seen that amount of blood before. I was terrified. I lay there, not moving, not even waking Caspar, just lying there. There goes my miracle. I finally moved, just my hand to wake Cas, so he at least gets a gentle wake up.
He jumps up from his sleep as he is a twitchy sleeper, looks at me blearily. I point down, at this point just praying the bleeding has stopped the extreme flow and it was just it exiting my body. He looks at me and then looks down, he knows the signs and then he does something I wasn’t expecting.
He begins to pray.
I yell at him to say Amen and just phone someone just in case there is still a chance.
Later we find there isn’t. They have to remove the foetus, because I was further than I thought. I didn’t cry and I still haven’t, I’m numb.
I try not to think about it, try not think of it as a him or her. I know I will have more children later on. But subconsciously I pat my non existent bump and feel something in me scream “But I wanted this one, bring this baby back.”
So I’m sorry baby, and I’m sorry to you guys for not being here.
I hope you understand.