I’ve heard being maniac can be great, open up artistic minds and I have even heard it described as the best bit of the disease, how it’s like being high, euphoric. I’m not sure why people say that, maybe as a way to make light of the illness, to convenience yourself that there must be some good points. There is, but it’s not found in the mania. Being Manic is just terrifying.
Often people will look up general characteristics of the illness on Google and it will always describe the mania as irrational, happiness, even a state of being on a constant high.
It seems to rarely describe the feeling of constantly being on edge, unable to relax, the feeling of being exhausted but not being able to sleep because your mind is just too active. It doesn’t describe the shakes and inability to calm your breathing. It doesn’t talk about the anxiety that worsens, how if you get panic attacks, when you are manic or even hypomanic, they can be a new extreme. It might say quick speaking but it doesn’t explain the fact that often you say things you don’t mean to say, it doesn’t describe the nervous babble that can cause your colleagues to look at you weird.
They also don’t talk about how you can as easily relapse when you are maniac as you can when you where depressed. Bad habits can make a reappearance due to that feeling may be the only that can give you a sense of reality and calmness. It’s not just irrationality, it’s the feeling of knowing that it’s bad but for some reason you still do it. You know it might hurt someone, not just someone else, but at that time, you just have to do it.
It can break a relationship because you have lost control and suddenly, you might say something irreparable and when you try to say sorry, you just can’t find the words.
So please, don’t underestimate the powers of mania, like you do when you are down, find methods to calm yourself. Take out the nerves and energy on a greater purpose. Swimming is good, it’s better for the joints and you can get underwater music players to relax you and it tires you out in a good way. Go for a walk with someone, instead of by yourself, they can stop you doing irrational things, make sure your colleagues/ friends/family understand that you are sick, just like you where when you are depressed and needed to be treated with that same delicate care. Be aware of your condition, keep a diary. Take care of yourself, get some love, especially if your anxiety is bad. Do yoga before bed and if necessary contemplate sleeping tablets. Get the help you need. You are doing so well, please keep fighting it.
Jonghyun-ah, you did so well. We miss you.