In my last post I talked about anxiety and panic at work. This post I’m going to talk about Anxiety and panic at home because we often forget that home can be just as anxious and panic ridden as work. To give representation before I dive in, I want to give an example as I might combust if I don’t let it out!
I currently live with my husband but before I originally had a studio which I bought when I was 19 because my family where not understanding to my mental illness and it came close to a toxic environment. I recently found that I would be going there to stay for a few days as my husband was on a trip and I realised I hadn’t been home for over 5 years.
I got my tatko to get me from the station from work as Caspar and I only have 1 between us. Now I had had a panic attack at work and usually as soon as I step in the car my husband can tell. We are a very close couple and he has also seen a lot of downfalls because of my bipolar, so he has ended up being like a sniffer dog! Anyways, in that kind of situation, he would pull over, give me a hug, comfort me and make sure I was taking my correct medication. Now this was a whole new experience.
I stepped into the car, dreading the fact I was now going to have to talk about my day, and I physically wasn’t sure I could. Sure enough I step in my tatko goes “How’s your day gone?” which is a perfectly reasonable question and I answer saying “beznadzieja” (which means crap). He obviously starts asking what the matter was and I just say it was really stressful and this is when the anxiety starts and my panic starts to arise again.
He starts to go “Stress happens where ever you work, you just need to get over it. Everybody gets stress but we don’t get a diagnosis for it, we just get on with life.”
I could feel it then, the burning, suffocating feeling that is a panic attack and I could feel the tears, but I couldn’t let them out because if I did, that would be showing weakness. So I put a brave face on but underneath I was remembering the 9 year old who would muffle her cries at 2 in the morning when she first started contemplating suicide because of her undiagnosed illnesses.
So here is something everyone should know.
- It’s okay to feel anger towards your parents. They are a generation or two behind us and they will never understand the added pressure, sexism and stress that this new world brings.
- It’s okay if you parents are a trigger. You are not an evil child if your parents are the cause of your mental illness.
- Don’t hide your tears and store them. Find someone else to cry on, your best friend, your dog or your partner. Don’t feel like you parents are your only option. Phone your best friend and tell her what is wrong.
- Don’t let anyone dictate what medical help you may or may not need. Follow your gut and not what people are saying. If you are on medication and people are giving you trouble, ignore them, your medication is helping you.
- If you get panic attacks, remember it will end eventually. In 5 years time you could move out and get your own place. You will never be in the same place all you life.
- Don’t feel the need to be strong all the time. It’s okay to break occasionally, you just need a little TLC and superglue and your little cracks will be fixed again.
- Make your home not just a house, make your home people around you, in the summer days, in the sights and scenery you see, make your home in the places you love most. Not just a house with a family.
- You can make your family, that’s what people don’t tell you. You can make it in your best fiend who is like a sibling, you can make it in your husband or partner of wife, who knows and loves you more than you can ever love yourself. You can make your home where ever you want.
Please don’t misunderstand this as me saying I hate my parents. I don’t, not at all. I owe them my life and I owe them for assisting me in having a good education in the capital of one of the most forward countries in the world. All I’m saying is, is that although you might think I have a perfect life and relationship with my family, we can still have our downfalls.